BPlot: Get The Condoms
by GoldenGirl
Summary: Sawyer and Kate are back together again! And they really want to have sex! But what happens when Sawyer realizes that all his condoms are in the stash that was taken from him?


Title: B-Plot: Get the Condoms  
Author: Kater  
Status: Complete  
Spoilers: Very minor up til 3.15  
disclaimer: I dont own lost

B-Plot: Get The Condoms

JACK is at the center of this episode's A-PLOT and all the focus is on HIM. He is currently having a FLASHBACK in which his relationship with an INDONESIAN BARBER comes into question after it is discovered that said barber is not a barber at all but a PROSTITUTE, and has not been taking his money for HAIRCUTS, but rather for UNMENTIONABLE DISCREET ACTIVITIES. Also, this barber is a MAN.

MEANWHILE, in the episode's B-PLOT...

INT. SAWYER'S TENT - MORNING

SAWYER and KATE are FOOLING AROUND inside the tent. Hands are GROPING, lips are KISSING, tongues are LICKING, shirts are FLYING. It's pretty HOT AND HEAVY, until Kate suddenly... STOPS.

KATE  
Sawyer...wait.

SAWYER  
What is it, Freckles?

KATE  
Now that we're back home we probably  
shouldn't rush into things.

SAWYER  
I'm sorry.

KATE  
What are you sorry for?

SAWYER  
Nothin'. Just thought if I said  
I was sorry we could move things  
along.

Sawyer is very HORNY.

KATE  
I do want to move things along,  
Sawyer. But don't you think we  
need to take some precautions?

SAWYER  
Precautions?

KATE  
Condoms.

SAWYER  
Oh! Well, why didn't you just say  
so, Puddin' Pop?

Sawyer begins scrambling around the tent, looking through every bag of luggage he can find. He picks up BAG AFTER BAG and commences to DUMP the contents onto the ground. Kate, feeling a bit useless just watching, helps dump out some more bags.

SAWYER  
(Muttering)  
Coulda sworn I kept a condom stash  
around here somewhere.

Sawyer suddenly STOPS. He stands very still, as if he is having an EPIPHANY.

SAWYER  
They're in my stash.

KATE  
I know. Where's your stash?

SAWYER  
They took it!

KATE  
Who took it?

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH - MORNING

We're CLOSE ON HURLEY'S FACE as he bites into a big CHICKEN LEG.

SAWYER (O.S.)  
Hey! Farticu–

Sawyer stops himself as Hurley shoots him a LOOK. It suddenly dawns on us that Sawyer still can not call anyone by their respective nicknames. Which particularly annoys him at this moment because he was really itching to get good use out of "FARTICUS."

HURLEY  
What do you want, man?

SAWYER  
I want my stuff back!

HURLEY  
I gave you your magazines, dude.

SAWYER  
I ain' talkin' about the magazines.  
I want the stuff that was in the  
medicine stash.

Hurley takes a few cautious steps AWAY from Sawyer.

HURLEY  
You got a rash or something?

SAWYER  
No, I ain' got no rash! Look, you  
can keep all the medicine. I just  
want the condoms.

Hurley rips into peels of LAUGHTER, stopping only to take another bite of CHICKEN.

HURLEY  
Who's gonna sleep with you, dude?  
I know it can't be Kate. Cuz ever since  
Jack came back he's been hanging  
out with that Other chick, and Kate's  
kinda been--

SAWYER  
Just give me the damn condoms!

HURLEY

Can't, man. Already gave them to  
someone who actually has a shot at  
getting laid.

EXT. BEACH - MORNING

Returning to the A-Plot of the episode we see JACK, standing in front of a large group, making a SPEECH. The dramatic instrumental music SWELLS. There is something very IMPORTANT going on. Someone may have DIED. Or maybe the Others are coming to KILL THEM ALL and they must ACT FAST. Whatever it is, Jack is CRYING.

EXT. BEACH - SAWYER'S AREA - AFTERNOON

SAWYER AND KATE stand outside of Sawyer's TENT. It is already AFTERNOON and they have yet to have SEX. The mood is not very cheerful.

In the background, Jack can be heard saying, nay, yelling, "I am the heroic doctor!" while SAYID straps several RIFLES over his shoulder.

KATE  
Any luck with the condoms?

SAWYER  
No. Charlie's got 'em. Think's  
he's gonna make out with Claire.  
Might I remind you that this  
wasn't a problem when we were at  
the cages?

KATE  
That was different. I thought you  
were gonna die.

SAWYER  
I knew it! I knew that's why you  
slept with me!

Kate GROANS. She is very quickly losing her desire to sleep with Sawyer.

KATE  
Let's not fight about this, okay?You go to Charlie and ask nicely.  
I'll go to Claire.

EXT. BEACH - CLAIRE'S AREA - AFTERNOON

We see CHARLIE sitting by AARON'S BASSINET. Charlie is singing something in a very unflattering high pitch, STRUMMING HIS GUITAR, SCRATCHING his head, and writing something down in a notepad. AARON cries very loudly. We can only assume this is what it looks like when Charlie MAKES MUSIC.

Sawyer walks up to him, preparing to ask nicely, as Kate informed.

SAWYER  
Give me the condoms.

CHARLIE  
(Clueless)  
What?

SAWYER  
Hurley said you had 'em. They were  
mine to begin with so just give  
'em back and we'll forget this  
whole thing ever happened.

CHARLIE  
What do you need them for?

We can almost feel how frustrated Sawyer is becoming. Frustration + unfulfilled horniness very angry Sawyer.

SAWYER  
To make balloon animals!  
What do you think?!

CHARLIE  
Well they certainly can't be for  
sex. I can't think of one person  
who knows you who would voluntarily  
want to copulate... are you and  
Juliet an item?

SAWYER  
Unbelievable.

CHARLIE

Is it Rose?

SAWYER  
No, you idiot. It's Kate.

Now Charlie cracks up. He, like Hurley, finds this VERY HARD TO BELIEVE.

CHARLIE  
But Kate's in love with Jack.

EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON - A-PLOT

JACK is FURIOUS about something.

EXT. BEACH - CLAIRE'S AREA - AFTERNOON

SAWYER  
No, she's not.

CHARLIE  
Look Sawyer, I really want to help  
but, frankly, I don't believe Kate  
would ever sleep with you. Anyway,  
I need the condoms for myself.  
I really think it's finally going to  
happen with me and Claire. And by it  
I mean sex.

EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON

We are CLOSE ON CLAIRE'S FACE as she very clearly enunciates...

CLAIRE  
I will never sleep with Charlie.

WIDEN OUT to reveal that CLAIRE is actually talking to KATE and washing some of Aaron's NAPPIES in a big TUB OF WATER. It is clear that Kate has come to her for the same reason that Sawyer has come to Charlie.

The way Kate is looking at those nappies, it is increasingly obvious that condoms are very much a big priority for her.

KATE

Never say never.

CLAIRE  
Never.

KATE  
Really? Because the two of you seem  
close. I guess I just thought–

CLAIRE  
Never. Ever. Charlie's nice and all  
but I mostly just see him as Aaron's  
babysitter.

KATE  
Oh. So... do you think you might be  
able to convince him to give me some  
of his condoms?

CLAIRE  
(Incredulous)  
Charlie's got condoms?

Kate nods.

CLAIRE (CONT'D)  
I left him with my baby!

KATE  
Yeah. Charlie. Pervert. Anyway, can  
you get me the condoms?

Although only a minute has passed, Claire, fickle as ever, has changed her mind about the condoms.

CLAIRE  
So long as Charlie has the condoms  
he can never get me pregnant, can he?

KATE  
Well, they're not always effective–

CLAIRE  
(To herself in a very dreamy state)  
Never.

Kate stares, quickly coming to the realization that she-- as Claire would put it-- will NEVER get the condoms this way.

EXT. FARTHER DOWN THE BEACH - AFTERNOON

JACK stands on his literal SOAPBOX.

JACK  
We all just need to calm down.  
If we band together– if we just  
stay level-headed... then we'll  
all make it through this.  
We will not resort to cannibalism!

EXT. CLAIRE'S AREA - AFTERNOON

CHARLIE  
Prove it.

SAWYER  
Prove that I'm seeing Kate.

CHARLIE  
Precisely.

SAWYER  
Why would I waste my time doin' that?

CHARLIE  
(Annoying)  
Because I may be willing to share  
some much-desired contraceptives.

Sawyer was just the right amount of SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED to do as Charlie asked.

EXT. FARTHER DOWN THE BEACH - AFTERNOON

JACK  
In my medical opinion Bernard is  
the juciest.

EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON

We peek over HURLEY and CHARLIE'S shoulders and see what they see: a few yards away, SAWYER and KATE are apparently ARGUING.

SAWYER  
Just kiss me.

KATE  
Kiss you?

SAWYER  
One kiss. Right here. Right now.

KATE  
This sounds familiar...

SAWYER  
Come on, just do it.

Kate looks sideways very AWARE that they have an AUDIENCE in Hurley and Charlie.

KATE  
People are watching us.  
Sawyer scowls.

SAWYER  
What? You wont kiss me in front of  
other people?

Kate puts on her MOST shocked face. She is so SHOCKED. And HURT. Sawyer looks about ready to apologize AGAIN.

KATE  
It's not that! It's just...  
Hurley's eating pop corn!

We CUT TO Hurley eating a BIG BAG of FRESH popcorn.

EXT. FARTHER DOWN THE BEACH - AFTERNOON

JACK  
Bernard is delicious!

EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON

SAWYER  
They gotta find out sooner or  
later.

We can see that Kate AGREES because suddenly she is SMILING. She leans in and KISSES Sawyer. At first the kiss is CHASTE. But Sawyer and Kate quickly start sinking into something deeper. Pretty soon the KISS becomes something REAL. And pretty soon after that it becomes something MORE THAN REAL. And by now it is downright ANIMALISTIC.

A LOT more people are now watching them kiss. Jin and Sun are SHOCKED, but also happy to see that their good friends are VERY OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE. And then the shock continues.

Hands are GROPING, lips are KISSING, tongues are LICKING, shirts are FLYING. Sawyer and Kate have FORGOTTEN their surroundings. And the condoms! Things are getting HOT AND HEAVY, until...

Ka-Boom.

EVERYONE STOPS and turns to see WHAT just EXPLODED. Of course, LOCKE is there.

LOCKE  
I'm sorry, James.

A moment after he says, it starts... SNOWING? Could it be? SNOW? ON A TROPICAL ISLAND?  
But as the "flakes" fall down, people start to realize that they are made out of THE SAME MATERIAL the condoms were made out of. Yes, that's right, Locke BLEW UP THE CONDOM STASH.

KATE  
But why?

LOCKE  
I just don't want to leave this  
island.

WTF?? Yeah, it's a lost TWIST for the ages that NO ONE sees coming.

Everyone watches in silence as the "SNOW" comes down ever so SLOWLY. CHARLIE holds Aaron and POINTS to the HEAVENS.

CHARLIE  
Look, Aaron. It's condom rain.

"Condom Rain" will become a HIT SONG. There is a single tear.  
CLAIRE comes to stand next to him and TAKES his hand in hers. She SMILES DREAMILY.

CLAIRE  
(To Charlie)  
Never.

As ROMANTIC as this scene has become, Sawyer and Kate still have a dilemma.

SAWYER  
Please don't tell me this means  
we won't ever have sex again.

KATE  
(Smiling)  
Of course we're gonna have sex. You'll  
just have to withdraw.

EXT. FARTHER DOWN THE BEACH - AFTERNOON

JACK CRIES.

BLACK OUT TO: LOST

Disclaimer: "Withdrawl" is not a good way to prevent pregnancy.


End file.
